I can’t really believe that even before my daughter is four we are already in a birthday party war. The competition is real. You can’t let your little darling down by just giving them a birthday tea with a couple of mates, who they will row with over a My Little Pony anyway. Oh no, we’re going all out now. Spend less than hundreds of pounds and prepare to feel judged to be the worst mother ever. A shop-bought cake will be frowned upon, but you haven’t tasted anything I’ve cooked myself and I would rather not have 25 kids with food poisoning. If I’m honest, I feel quite posh booking a hall and an entertainer, real “keeping up with the Jones’” stuff, but I know people who would book an actual castle and Mr Tumble if available. I’ve made a list of all the food to get, just sausage rolls and party rings, then I heard a suggestion that I should cater for the adults too, you’re kidding right? They can scoff a jam sandwich if there’s any left. And of course you can’t leave without a party bag, a slice of cake and a bottle of bubbles in my day, now resembling an Oscars goodie bag, with a personal shopping trip and a holiday to the Caribbean included. I’m just trying to make it the best party in the world.

You can hear Zoe on Heart Breakfast, weekdays 6-10 and keep up with her blog at www.zoehanson.co.uk

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